Of the many treatments of family life found in the New Testament, Peter's is unique in many respects. Most of the other treatments come from the pen of Paul, who was not married when he wrote them (1 Cor. 7:7), and, so far as we know, was never married. But we know that Peter was a married man when he first became a disciple of Jesus. One of Jesus' first miracles was to heal Peter's mother-in-law (Mark 1:30-31). We know also that Peter was still married years later, when he had gained the standing of a chief apostle and was traveling throughout the churches in the Mediterranean world (1 Cor. 9:5). Peter's practical experience as a family man no doubt explains why his comments on marriage are extremely blunt and down-to-earth, more so than Paul's, which, although perfectly correct, seem at times almost theoretical by comparison.

A Wife's Obedience

Peter agrees with Paul that a wife should obey her husband. Paul says, "Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord" (Eph. 5:22-24; the same thought is in Col. 3:18). Peter says, "Likewise, ye wives, be in subjection to your own husbands" (1 Pet. 3:1). But then he elaborates.

5 For after this manner in the old time the holy women also, who trusted in God, adorned themselves, being in subjection unto their own husbands:
6 Even as Sara obeyed Abraham, calling him lord: whose daughters ye are, as long as ye do well, and are not afraid with any amazement.

1 Peter 3:5-6

He wants a Christian wife to treat her husband as her lord, after the example of Sarah, Abraham's wife. He does not mean that she must address her husband as "lord." Rather, he means that she must humble herself by submitting to her husband's will in all things.

As a husband myself, I do not expect my wife to call me "lord." I would rather she use some term of endearment like "honey" to highlight the warmth of our relationship, to convey the idea that the essence of our relationship is love and friendship rather than subordination. Yet in her heart she should, and I think she does, view me as her lord, in the sense that she accepts my leadership.

A Husband's Love

To be viewed as a lord is a heavy responsibility. It takes great love and maturity not to take advantage of someone under your authority. Despite his moral right to be "head of the home," a Christian husband should not bring to life all the negative connotations in that expression. He should not be hard, demanding, or mean. Rather, he should be the easiest of all husbands to live with. Why? For four reasons:

1. While being his wife's master, he is also her servant. Paul says, "But by love serve one another" (Gal. 5:13). Therefore, a husband's chief goal should be to secure his wife's best interests. For her sake he should be willing to perform menial tasks such as a servant would perform. If the need arises, he should roll up his sleeves and do the dishes, or mop the floors, or take out the garbage. He should provide care when his wife is lying sick in bed.

2. His model of authority is Christ, who said of Himself that his yoke is easy and His burden is light (Matt. 11:29-30). Jesus never requires more of His servants than they can handle. Likewise, a Christian husband never makes demands of his wife that stretch her too far. He is careful to respect her limitations. He is always satisfied with her best and never makes her feel a failure because her best is not good enough. My wife is now a superb cook, one of the best. But I hate to think of some of the meals she served when we were first married. At the time I paid her sincere compliments, recognizing that God grades only for effort.

3. His authority is tempered by godly wisdom, and godly wisdom pays due respect to a woman's intelligence. I know from experience that I make better decisions if I take my wife into the process and seek her advice. Ultimately I make the decision, but frequently the decision is different as a result of her input. Not only do I consult her, but in many things I give her the freedom to make her own decisions. Because I trust her judgment, I give her free reign in matters that do not concern me directly. As just a few of many examples, she governs the kitchen, makes all decisions respecting house cleaning and decoration, shops at her discretion, socializes however she likes with other women, handles certain aspects of family business, works outside the home under a boss other than myself, takes the initiative in witnessing to people who cross her path, chooses her ministries within the church, and conducts them according to her own judgment.

A man can delegate whatever authority he wants to his wife. In my parents' home, my father assigned my mother the job of handling the money. Many husbands retreat even more from practical control of the home. They face so many stresses and problems at work that they do not want the pressure of making decisions when they come home. They just want to relax. Letting their wives run the domestic show does no harm so long as they maintain oversight of important matters, such as the discipline of children and the spiritual life of the family (Eph. 6:4).

4. The authority of a Christian husband is guided by love. A dictator pleases himself, but what I decide as a Christian husband is not designed just to please me. Rather, I seek to please my wife by taking her desires into account. The nature of love is to give. Therefore, the more I love my wife, the more I will use my authority as a tool to make her happy. I have the right to decide what we will do on vacation, but my chief consideration is what she prefers. Also when we go out to eat, I almost always ask her to pick the restaurant.

My wife's happiness is not the sole consideration in my decisions. Sometimes a man must look beyond what suits his wife to what is right or to what is best for the family. He must override her preference if he judges it to be unwise. Yet he should never dismiss it out-of-hand, without giving it fair scrutiny.

Wisdom in the Divine Plan

All the restraints that a good husband places on his authority do not take it away. In his own home, he still occupies the seat of authority. It is sad whenever a marriage turns into a battleground between two parties seeking to rule.

Struggle for dominance in the home is by no means a new thing. I remember driving in the country with my father, who said that you can tell who wears the pants in the family (an expression dating from when pants were the exclusive apparel of men) by the relative condition of house and barn. If the house is nicer, you know the woman wears the pants. If the barn is nicer, you know the man wears the pants, as he should, but also that he needs to cater more to his wife.

Conflict in marriage is much worse today, however, as a result of women being indoctrinated with feminist ideas. The modern world holds that marriage should be a union of absolute equals. It views any subordination as repressive, even abusive. But the currently accepted model of marriage goes against the divine plan, giving man authority over the woman. The divine plan is superior for three reasons:

1. In many important judgments that a family must make, a man is more discerning than his wife. The Bible says specifically that a man is less easily fooled by deliberate deception (1 Tim. 2:12-14). It does not mean that every man is more discerning than every women. It is referring to averages. The average man is more discerning than the average women. In any match made by God, the man will be more discerning and better fit to lead. In the beginning, when Satan tempted the first man and woman, the woman proved herself more gullible. Still today, an average man excels an average woman in his ability to spot Satanic deception, especially in the form of false religion. Every cult entraps more women than men.

Male rule was dictated by God as part of the penalty imposed on Eve for listening to the serpent (Gen. 3:16). She wanted to be like God, holding first place in the grand scheme of things, so ever afterward she would take second place. Adam's penalty was likewise appropriate (Gen. 3:17-19). He sinned to please his wife. So ever afterward he would have to do exhausting hard work to meet her needs and keep her happy.

2. God wants peace in the home. Any attempt to share ultimate power breeds conflict. To assure that the home operates without conflict, God gives one person the authority to make decisions, and He directs the other members of the family to comply cheerfully. The person endowed with authority is the man, the creature He has made with a special desire to lead.

3. A woman is more verbal than a man. It has been determined by research that for every two words a little boy speaks, a little girl speaks five. In most marriages the woman is a much better talker than her husband. So what happens when a typical young couple embarks on marriage with the goal of fulfilling the modern ideal of shared authority? Our culture teaches them that marriage is a union of equals who arrive at all decisions by mutual agreement and who work out all differences by negotiation. But when they try to put this theory into practice, the man finds that his wife can outtalk him. Thus, he seldom prevails in any real disagreement. If the disagreement becomes heated, he finds also that she has a weapon he cannot defend against—the power of her sex to cut his ego to shreds.

He has been taught that he cannot expect his wife to obey. But he cannot erase his innate desire to exercise leadership over a woman. That desire was put within him by God, so that he might fulfill a man's role. It is part of his psychological programming. Therefore, when his talkative wife takes control of decisions, he becomes increasingly frustrated. Resentment builds up in his heart until it reaches the flash point. Then one of two things happens.

If he is a weak-minded man with poor resources for dealing with frustration, he may at last try to bring his wife into submission by using his superior weapon, brute force. One of the principal causes of domestic violence throughout the ages has been alcoholism, but whereas the incidence of alcoholism is holding fairly steady, domestic violence is on the rise. The reason is that feminism has undermined proper male leadership in the home. To hit a woman is absolutely inexcusable, regardless of the provocation. But a battered wife bears some responsibility for her plight if she has continually bullied her husband with words.

Most husbands who are weary of henpecking do not resort to blows. Rather, they find a woman at work or at a party who treats them with the respect and deference they desire, and for her sake they leave their first wife. I believe feminism has been a major cause of rising divorce rates.

Dwelling with a Woman according to Knowledge

Although Peter gives a husband authority over his wife, he counsels the husband to exercise his authority with reasonableness and kindness. He commands the husband to dwell with his wife according to knowledge.

7 Likewise, ye husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge, giving honour unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life; that your prayers be not hindered.

1 Peter 3:7

The usual interpretation, which I have heard in many sermons and talks, is that a husband should seek to understand his wife, with the goal of better communication leading to decisions sensitive to her needs and desires. Indeed, a man should work at knowing his wife better. He should probe for the roots of her ways of thinking. He should try to discover what she really needs and wants. Above all, as many experts on family living recommend, he should let his wife talk to him. Many men are so preoccupied with their own affairs that they have little interest in listening to their wives. They may even regard her talk with some contempt, dismissing it as the chatter of a woman. Such husbands force their wives into silence. When women are asked to evaluate their marriages, the most common complaint is that their husbands will not talk to them. A man who shuns conversation with his wife puts her at a distance. They become strangers to each other. The man, especially, settles into a self-containment oblivious to the intimate workings of his mate's mind and heart. Instead of one flesh, there is a fractured flesh.

The breakdown of loving communication between husband and wife is a tragic state of affairs, but I do not believe that in his appeal for husbands to know their wives, Peter is primarily seeking to avert estrangement between them. What he means by "according to knowledge" is clarified in the remainder of the verse. Peter is speaking of the kind of knowledge that teaches a husband to honor his wife (v. 7). He will honor her if he comprehends two things in particular: 1) that she is a weaker vessel (v. 7), and 2) that she will inherit all the blessings of the children of God (v. 7).

A Woman's Weakness

Peter's reminder that a woman is a weaker vessel is important, because men, especially good men, have a tendency to idealize women. This tendency stands out in many classic works of fiction written by men. A heroine of a nineteenth century novel was so pure and constant in her love for a man even before marriage that if he jilted her, she might dress herself in black and speak to no one for years. Or she might go into a nunnery and spend the rest of her life praying that God would forgive the man who so cruelly wronged her. From what did the romantic conception of a woman's love derive? From male fantasy about the strength of a woman's love. A man would like to believe that a woman's love for him is all-consuming and undying, even if his love for her is very impermanent.

Male idealism can be a serious problem in marriage. To avoid unrealistic and damaging expectations, a man must accept that his wife is a weaker vessel. And as he looks upon her weakness, he must respond as love would respond, not with disdain but with a desire to uphold her. In assuming the role of her helper and protector, he satisfies Peter's exhortation to honor his wife. Compassion upon her weakness improves his leadership in two critical respects.

1. In times of difficulty, he tries his best to be a pillar of support for the family. He does not look to his wife for strength. He does not expect to lean on her. Rather, she is able to lean on him.

In my lifetime, I have learned the hard way that if I express discouragement, my wife is likely to become very discouraged. If I become upset, she is likely to become very upset. I believe most women are the same. The application? Men, never take the view that your wife makes bad situations worse—a view that leads to bitterness (Col. 3:19). Instead of looking to your wife for strength in bad situations, look to God. And having compassion on your wife as a weaker vessel, fulfill your responsibilities as a spiritual leader by directing her to God as the source of her strength as well.

2. Recognizing his wife's weakness, a man is careful what he says to her. He does not say anything that will cause her to stumble rather than give her support.

If a man blows off a little steam by complaining to his wife about how someone has wronged him, he may gain some relief, allowing him to get on with life. But by indulging his anger, he gives her resentful thoughts that she cannot easily forget. They fester inside and create a continuing bitterness. As a result, she pays a big emotional price for his outspokenness.

The second rule is hard for me, because my wife and I have been friends since we were sixteen. In a sense, we grew up together. We have always shared all our thoughts. When I was on a deacon board, the pastor sometimes advised us to keep certain information from our wives. It always sounded to me as if he was asking me to live on another planet. I complied, although keeping secrets from my wife was contrary to an ingrained habit of openness with her. But I finally realized that to tell her about problems outside her own sphere of life served no purpose, except to give her more cause for worry.

My advice? It is obviously necessary to consult with your wife concerning real problems, but be careful about speech that gives her an unnecessary burden or that strictly serves to vent your bad feelings.

A Woman's Value

The second way a man must know his wife is to understand how valuable she is. Peter says that despite a wife's weakness, she deserves to be honored. He means that we should treat our wives as we would treat some fragile object of great value, like a rare piece of fine glassware or a priceless work of art. She is weak, in the sense of being delicate, and she requires careful handling, but she is worth it. We should thank God that He has given us the privilege of taking care of her, and we should treat her accordingly, with honor.

The Biblical view of women, seeing them as creatures to be honored, is the basis of chivalry. Is chivalry dead? Not completely. It feebly survives in such customs as holding a door for a lady, taking her hand when she steps out of a vehicle, and pulling out her chair at a table. It is sad that many women today resent a man treating them with courtesy. They feel that tokens of courtesy make them appear helpless. To be truly helpless is certainly not a good thing. A woman must be able to cope with life's problems. She cannot always rely on a man to pump the gas and kill the bugs. Indeed, she should be taught all the essential skills of daily life, including how to unstop a sink and change a tire. Yet there is a place for chivalry. Why should a lady carry in the groceries when her husband is loafing on the sofa? The old-fashioned customs of helping a lady carry out the Biblical injunction to honor women. Hence, they should be preserved, at least to the extent compatible with modern life.

A proper knowledge of a wife extends to recognizing her great potential. My wife can look forward to the same future that lies before me. Like me, she is a child of God with eternal life. In heaven there may be no difference in rank between us. If she has served God more faithfully than I, she will rank higher than I. Knowing that she may someday stand above me certainly motivates me to give her honor. It also gives me a better perspective on my responsibilities as her husband. God has made me her spiritual leader not only to assure the successful operation of our home, but also to help her prepare for eternity. When I appear before God in judgment, I will give account for my influence on my wife. Was it good or bad? Did I make sure that she was always in church under the preaching of God's Word? Did I keep a family altar and instruct her daily in the things of God? Did I show her an example of Christian character? Did I help her develop Christian character herself? Did I encourage her to maintain a personal walk with God?

Basically, in exhorting a man to dwell with a woman according to knowledge, treating her with honor, Peter is giving a recipe for peace and spiritual prosperity in the home. The great benefit is that when husband and wife are right with each other, they can also be right with God. They can approach Him with full confidence that He will hear and answer their prayers. That is why Peter concludes his discussion of the home by saying that if we heed his instruction, our prayers will be unhindered (1 Pet. 3:7).